Therese's health
In May 1897, Thérèse coughed a lot. We give him cough syrup. She has fever again. It is always treated with blisters as well as with bouts of fire.
She is relieved of all employment, no longer goes to the office in the choir, and ceases her responsibility with the novices.
May, the 1st
1
It's not “death” that will come to get me, it's the good Lord. Death is not a ghost, a horrible specter, as it is depicted in the images. It is said in the catechism that "death is the separation of soul and body", that's just it!
2
My heart was filled with heavenly peace today. I had prayed to the Blessed Virgin so much last night, thinking that her beautiful month was about to begin!
You weren't at recess tonight. Our Mother told us that one of the missionaries embarked with Fr. Roulland had died before his arrival in his mission. This young missionary had taken communion on the ship with the hosts of Carmel given to Fr. Roulland... And now he is dead... without having done any apostolate, without having taken any pains, such as learning Chinese. The good Lord gave him the palm of desire; but see how he needs no one.
I did not know then that Mother Marie de Gonzague had given her Fr. Roulland as a second spiritual brother. The words that I have just reported to her were written to herself by the PR but having been forbidden by Our Mother to entrust them to me, she spoke to me only about what she had heard at recreation.
It was a great sacrifice for her that this silence of almost 2 years on her relationship with the Missionary in question...
Our Mother had asked him to paint a picture on parchment for him. As I was her first job for painting, she could have taken advantage of the circumstance to ask me for advice and thereby make me guess everything. But on the contrary, she hid from me as best she could, stealthily coming to get - I found out later - the burnisher to make the gold shine and which I kept on our table. She brought it back when I was away.
It was only three months before his death that Our Mother told him of her own accord to speak to me freely on this subject as on any other.
May the 7
1
7 am.
It's license today, I sang "my Joy" while getting dressed.
2
Our family will not stay long on earth... When I am in Heaven, I will call you very quickly... Oh! how happy we will be! We were all born crowned...
3
I have a cough ! I have a cough ! It's like a railway locomotive when it arrives at the station. I also arrive at a station; it is that of Heaven, and I announce it!
May the 9
1
We can say, without boasting, that we have received very special graces and lights. We are in the truth; we see things in their true light.
2
About the feelings from which we can sometimes not defend ourselves, when after having rendered a service we receive no testimony of gratitude.
I too, I assure you, experience the feeling of which you speak to me; but I'm never caught, because I don't expect any retribution on earth: I do everything for the good Lord, so I can't lose anything and I'm always very well paid for the trouble I give myself to serve my neighbor .
3
If, by impossibility, the good Lord himself did not see my good deeds, I would not be at all distressed. I love him so much that I wish I could please him without him even knowing it was me. Knowing this and seeing it, he is as if obliged "to surrender", I wouldn't want to give him that much trouble...
May the 15
1
I am very happy to be going to Heaven soon, but when I think of these words of the good God: "I carry my reward with me to render to each according to his works", Error! Reference source not found. I tell myself that, for me, he will be very embarrassed. I have no works! therefore he will not be able to return me "according to my works"... Well! he will repay me "according to his works..."
2
I have such a lofty idea of Heaven that sometimes I wonder how, when I die, the good Lord will manage to surprise me. My hope is so great, it gives me such joy, not by feeling, but by faith, that I will need something above all thoughts to fully satisfy me. Rather than being disappointed, I would rather keep an eternal hope.
Anyway, I already think that, if I'm not surprised enough, I'll pretend to be, to please God. There will be no danger of me letting him see my disappointment; I will know how to do it so that he does not notice it. Besides, I will always manage to be happy. To get there, I have my little sections that you know and which are infallible... Then, just seeing the good Lord happy, that will be fully enough for my happiness.
3
I had spoken to him about certain practices of devotion and perfection recommended by the saints and which discouraged me.
As for me, I no longer find anything in books, except in the Gospel. This book is enough for me. I listen with delight to these words of Jesus who tell me everything I have to do: “Learn from me that I am meek and humble of heart”; then I have peace, according to his sweet promise: ... "and you will find rest for your souls."
"...And you will find rest for your little souls..."
4
Not the shade! No more than if it were that of a Chinese over there 2.000 leagues from us.
5
I throw to the right, to the left, to my little birds the good seeds that the good Lord puts in my little hand. And then, it does as it wants! I don't care about it anymore. Sometimes it's as if I hadn't thrown anything away; at other times, it feels good; but the good Lord says to me: Error! Reference source not found.
6
I would like to go to Hanoi, to suffer a lot for the good Lord. I would like to go there to be alone, to have no consolation on earth. As for the thought of making myself useful there, it doesn't even cross my mind, I know very well that I wouldn't do anything at all.
7
After all, I don't care if I live or die. I don't see what more I would have after death than I already have in this life. I'll see the good Lord, it's true! but to be with him, I am already quite there on earth.
May the 18
1
They relieved me of all employment; I thought my death wouldn't cause the slightest disturbance in the Fellowship.
Oh ! for that, it's the least of my worries, I don't care!
2
Please don't prevent me from saying my "little" Offices of the Dead. It's all I can do for the sisters who are in purgatory, and it doesn't bother me at all. Sometimes, at the end of a silence, I have a little moment; it rather relaxes me.
3
I always need to have work prepared; like that I am not preoccupied and I never waste my time.
4
I had asked God to follow the community exercises until my death; but he doesn't want to!
I could, I'm sure, go to all the offices, I wouldn't die a minute sooner. Sometimes it seems to me that if I hadn't said anything, they wouldn't think I was ill.
May the 19
Why are you so cheerful today?
Because, this morning, I had two “little” sorrows. Oh ! very sensitive!... Nothing gives me "little" joys, like "little" sorrows...
May the 20
They tell me that I will be afraid of death. It may well be. There is no one here more suspicious of her feelings than I am. I never rely on my own thoughts; I know how weak I am; but I want to enjoy the feeling that the good Lord gives me now. There will always be time to suffer from the contrary.
2
I showed him his photograph:
Yes, but... it's the envelope; when will we see the letter? Oh ! How I would like to see the letter!...
From 21 to 26 May
1
Théophane Vénard pleases me even better than St Louis de Gonzague, because the life of St Louis de Gonzague is extraordinary and his quite ordinary. Then it is he who speaks, while for the saint, it is another who tells and makes him speak; so we know almost nothing about his “little” soul!
Théophane Vénard loved his family very much; and I, too, love my “little” family very much.
I don't understand the saints who don't love their family... My little family now, oh! I love her so much ! I love my little Mother very, very much.
2
I will die soon; but when ? Oh ! when?... It does not come! I am like a little child who is always promised a cake: it is shown to him from afar; then, when he approaches to take it, the hand withdraws... But, deep down, I am quite abandoned to live, to die, to recover, and to go to Cochinchina, God willing.
3
After my death, I must not be surrounded with crowns like Mother Geneviève. To people who would like to give some, you will say that I prefer that they put this money to buy back little niggers. That's what would make me happy.
4
Some time ago, I had great difficulty taking expensive remedies; but now it does not matter to me at all, on the contrary. It is since I read in the life of Saint Gertrude that she rejoiced over it for herself, telling herself that everything would be to the advantage of those who do us good. She relied on the word of Our Lord: "What you will do to the least of mine, you will do to me."
5
I am convinced of the uselessness of remedies to cure me; but I made arrangements with the good Lord, so that he would benefit poor sick missionaries, who have neither the time nor the means to take care of themselves. I ask him to cure them in place of me with the medicines and the rest that I am forced to take.
6
I have been told so many times that I have courage, and it is so untrue, that I said to myself: But, after all, we must not make everyone lie! And I began, with the help of grace, to acquire this courage. I acted like a warrior who, hearing himself congratulated on his bravery, while knowing very well that he is only a coward, would end up being ashamed of the compliments and would like to deserve them.
7
When I will be in Heaven, what graces I will ask for you! Oh ! I will torment God so much that, if he wanted to refuse me at first, my importunity would force him to fulfill my desires. This story is in the Gospel...
8
... If the saints show me less affection than my little sisters, it will seem very hard to me... and I will go and cry in a little corner...
9
The Holy Innocents will not be little children in Heaven; they will only have the indefinable charms of childhood. We think of them as "children", because we need images to understand spiritual things.
... Yes, I hope to join them! If they want, I'll be their little page, I'll hold their little tails...
10
If I didn't have this ordeal of soul that is impossible to understand, I really believe that I would die of joy at the thought of leaving the earth soon.
[See Words Found
From 21 to 26 May
11*
I was a little sad tonight, wondering if the good Lord was really pleased with me. I thought about what each of the sisters would say about me, if questioned. So and so would say, "She's a good little soul, she can become a saint." - Another: “She is very gentle, very pious, but this... but that...” - Others would still have different thoughts; many would find me very imperfect, which is true... As for my little Mother, she loves me so much, that blinds her, so I cannot believe her. Oh ! what the good Lord thinks, who will tell me? I was in these reflections, when your note reached me. You told me that everything about me pleased you, that I was particularly dear to the good Lord, that he had not made me climb the rough staircase of perfection like the others, but that he had put me in a elevator so that I can be more quickly returned to Him. Already, I was touched, but always the thought that your love made you see what is not, prevented me from fully enjoying; So I took out my little Gospel, asking the good Lord to console me, to answer me Himself... and there I came across this passage that I had never noticed: "He whom God has sent says the same things as God, because he has not imparted his Spirit to him in moderation.” Oh ! so, I shed tears of joy, and this morning, when I woke up, I was still quite perfumed. It is you, my little Mother, whom God sent for me, it is you who raised me, who made me enter Carmel; all the great graces of my life, I have received them through you; also, you say the same things as God, and now, I believe that the good Lord is very pleased with me, since you tell me.]
May the 26
1
Eve of Ascension
This morning during the procession, I was at the hermitage of St Joseph and I looked from afar through the window at the Community in the garden. It was ideal, this procession of nuns in white cloaks; it made me think of the procession of virgins in Heaven. At the turn of the alley of chestnut trees, I saw you all half-hidden by the tall grasses and the buttercups of the meadow. It was getting more and more delicious. But now, among these nuns, I see one of the nicest ones, looking my way, leaning forward smiling to give me a sign of acquaintance. It was my little Mother! Immediately I remembered my dream: the smile, the caresses of Mother Anne of Jesus and the same feeling of sweetness came over me. I said to myself: this is how the saints know me, how they love me, how they smile at me from above and invite me to join them!
Then the tears came... I haven't cried so much for many years. Ah! they were sweet tears.
May the 27
1
Ascension
I would like a “circular”, because I have always thought that I should pay for the office of the dead that each of the Carmelites will say for me. I don't really understand why there are some who don't want a circular; it's so sweet to know each other, to know a little with whom we will live eternally.
2
I am in no way afraid of the last fights, nor of the sufferings, however great they may be, of illness. The good Lord has always helped me; he helped me and led me by the hand from my earliest childhood... I'm counting on him. I am sure that he will continue to help me until the end. I may well not be able to, but I'll never have too much, I'm sure.
3
I don't know when I will die, but I believe it will be soon; I have many reasons to expect it.
4
I no more desire to die than to live; that is to say, if I had to choose, I would rather die; but, since it is the good Lord who chooses for me, I prefer what he wants. It's what he does that I love.
5
Don't believe that if I heal it will confuse me and destroy my little plans. Not at all ! Age is nothing in the eyes of the good Lord, and I will manage to remain a little child, even if I live a very long time.
6
I always see the bright side of things. There are those who take everything in such a way as to hurt themselves the most. For me, it's the opposite. If I have only pure suffering, if the sky is so dark that I see no clearing, well! I make my joy... I make... crop! like daddy's trials that make me more glorious than a queen.
7
Have you noticed, when reading the refectory, this letter addressed to the mother of St. Louis de Gonzague, where it is said of him that he could not have learned more or been more holy, even if he had reached the Age of Noah?
8
About his death:
I am like a person who, having a lottery ticket, has a greater chance of winning than someone who does not have one; but yet, she is still not sure of having a prize. Finally, I have a ticket, it's my illness, and I can remain hopeful!
9
I remember that a little neighbor from Les Buissonnets, aged 3, hearing herself called by other children, said to her mother: “Mom! they want me! let me go, please... they want me!...»
Well, it seems to me that today the little angels are calling me, and I am telling you like the little girl: "Let me go, they want me!"
I don't hear them, but I feel them.
10
When my departure for Tonkin was planned, around November, do you remember that to have a sign of God's will, they began a novena to Théophane Vénard? At this time, I returned to all the community exercises, even at Matins. Well ! just during the novena, I started coughing again, and since then I have only been getting worse and worse. It is he who calls me. Oh ! I would like to have his portrait; it is a soul that pleases me. St Louis de Gonzague was serious, even in recreation, but Théophane Vénard, he was always cheerful.
At that time, the life of Saint L. de Gonzague was being read in the refectory.
May the 29
Spikes of fire for the second time. In the evening I was sad and I opened the Gospel to her to console myself. I came across these words which I read to him: “He is risen, he is no longer here, see the place where he was put. »
Yes that's fine ! I am no longer, in fact, as in my childhood, accessible to all pain; I am as if resuscitated, I am no longer in the place where people believe me... Oh! don't worry about me, I have come to be unable to suffer any longer, because all suffering is sweet to me.
May the 30
1
That day, she was allowed to confide in me about her spitting of blood on Good Friday 1896. As I showed her great sorrow at not having been informed immediately, she consoled me as best she could and wrote to me that evening. ticket :
"Don't be sorry, my darling little Mother, that your little daughter seemed to be hiding something from you, because you know it well, if she hid a little corner of the envelope, she never hid a single line from you. of the letter. And who knows it better than you this little letter that you love so much? To the others, we can show the envelope on all sides, since they can only see that; but to you! ! !... Oh ! little Mother, you now know that it was on Good Friday that Jesus began to tear the envelope of your little letter a little; Aren't you glad he's about to read this letter you've been writing for 24 years? Ah! if you only knew how well she will know how to tell him of your love throughout all eternity! »
2
You may suffer a lot before you die!...
Oh ! don't worry, I have such a great desire!
3
I don't know how I will do in Heaven to do without you!
