Therese's health
It was on June 4, 1897 that Thérèse began writing manuscript C after Mother Agnès discovered her hemoptysis (blood coughing) of April 1896.
At the beginning of June, the illness made rapid progress: Thérèse began to have pain in her side as well as vomiting and anxiety. The coughing fits continue. Her appetite disappears, she weakens, is exhausted. On June 6, the day of Pentecost, he was given the famous snail syrup. She also begins a milk diet. After an improvement in the middle of the month, following a novena to Notre-Dame des Victoires carried out by the community from June 5 to 13, the fever and a great pain in the side returned on June 25.
June 4
1
She bade us farewell in the cell of Sr. Geneviève de la Sainte Face, which was the one overlooking the terrace on the side of the Chapter. She was lying on Sr. Geneviève's mattress. That day, she seemed to no longer be in pain and her face seemed transfigured. We never got tired of looking at her and listening to her sweet words.
I asked the Blessed Virgin not to be drowsy and absorbed as I was all these days; I felt that I was hurting you. Tonight, she answered me.
Oh ! my little sisters, how happy I am! I see I'm going to die soon, I'm sure of it now.
Don't be surprised if I don't appear to you after my death, and if you don't see anything extraordinary as a sign of my happiness. You will remember that it is "my little way" not to want to see anything. You know well what I have said so many times to the good God, to the Angels and to the Saints:
That my desire is not
To see them here...
The Angels will come to get you, said Sr. Geneviève. Oh ! yet we would like to see them!
I don't think you see them, but that won't stop them from being there...
However, I would like to have a good death, to please you. I asked the Blessed Virgin. I didn't ask the good Lord, because I want to let him do as he wants. Asking the Blessed Virgin is not the same thing. She knows very well what she has to do with my little desires, whether she has to say them or not say them...well, it's up to her to see so as not to force the good Lord to grant, to let him do all his will.
This evening I have succeeded in being able to console you a little and to be very nice, but you must not expect to see me like this at the moment of death... I don't know! Right away, the Blessed Virgin may have done this on her own, without telling God, so that doesn't prove anything for later.
I don't know if I'll go to purgatory, I don't worry about it at all; but, if I go there, I will not regret not having done anything to avoid it. I will never repent of having worked only to save souls. How happy I was to know that NM Sainte Thérèse thought that!
My little Mother, if you are a prioress again one day, do not worry; you will see that you will no longer cause yourself the same pains as before. You will be above everything. You will let people think and say what they want, you will do your duty in peace... etc... etc.
Never do anything to be one, and nothing either not to be one... Besides, I promise you that I won't let you put in there if it's prejudicial to your soul.
When I kissed her:
I said everything ! in particular to my little Mother, for later...
Don't worry, my little sisters, if I suffer a lot and if you don't see in me, as I have already told you, no sign of happiness at the moment of my death. Our Lord is indeed dead Victim of Love, and see what his agony was!... All that says nothing.
2
A little later, being alone with her, and seeing her again suffer a lot, I said to her: “Well, you wanted to suffer, the good Lord has not forgotten it. »
I wanted to suffer, and I got it. I have suffered a lot for several days. One morning during my thanksgiving, after communion, I felt like the anguish of death... and with that no consolation!
3
I accept everything for the love of God, even all kinds of extravagant thoughts that come to mind.
June 5
1
(During Matins)
My little Mother, I have seen that you love me with a disinterested love. Well ! if I know that you are my little mother, you will know one day that I am your little girl! Oh ! how I love you!
2
I re-read the Joan of Arc play that I composed. You will see there my feelings on death; they are all expressed; it will make you happy. But don't think I look like Joan of Arc when she was scared for a moment... She was pulling her hair!... I don't pull my "little" hair...
3
My dear mother, you are the one who prepared me for my First Communion, now prepare me to die...
4
If you found me dead one morning, don't worry: Papa the good Lord would simply have come to get me. Without doubt, it is a great grace to receive the Sacraments; but when the good Lord doesn't allow it, it's good all the same, everything is grace.
June 6
1
I thank you for having asked to be given a portion of the Holy Host. I still had a hard time swallowing it. But how happy I was to have the good God in my heart! I cried like the day of my First Communion.
2
Mr. Youf told me about my temptations against the faith: "Don't stop there, it's very dangerous." It's hardly consoling to hear, but fortunately I'm not impressed. Don't worry, don't break my "little" head tormenting me.
Mr. Youf said to me again: "Are you resigned to dying?" I answered him: “Ah! my Father, I find that there is no need for resignation except to live. To die, it is joy that I experience.
3
I wonder how I will manage to die. However, I would like to get out of it with “honour”! Finally, I believe that it does not depend on oneself.
(She was thinking of us.)
4
In my childhood, the great events of my life seemed to me like insurmountable mountains. When I saw the little girls make their First Communion, I said to myself: How will I manage at my First Communion?... Later: How will I manage to enter Carmel?... And after : to take the Habit? to make a profession? Now it's for dying!
5
“I am going to have you photographed to please Our Mother. She smiles slyly:
Say rather that it's for you!... “Little breeze, stop blowing! It's not for me, it's for my friend who doesn't have a jacket..."
She reminded me of a little story about Auvergne that dad used to tell us. She set the tone, and it was very well applied, because the comrade, so charitable in appearance, pleaded for him in reality.
6
We didn't want to tell her, for fear of disgusting her, that the syrup she was taking was snail syrup, but she noticed it and laughed at our fears;
What does it matter to me to take snail syrup, as long as I don't see the horns! Now I eat snails like little ducks! Yesterday, I was like the ostriches, I ate raw eggs!
7
I love you very, very much!
8
I said to him: “The Angels will carry you in their hands, lest you strike your foot against the stone. She replied:
Ah! that's good for now; because later, after my death, I will not be embarrassed! ! !
9
After M. de Cornière's visit, who found her better, I said to her: "Are you sad?" »
Oh ! no... I pulled in the Gospel: “Soon you will see the Son of man seated on the clouds of Heaven.”
I said, "Lord, when?" And in front of the page, I read these words: "Today even."
But all that...is not worrying about anything, not wanting to live or die...
Moments later:
However, I really want to leave! I say this to the Blessed Virgin who does what she wants with it.
June 7
1
Sunday
On the bench, at the end of the cemetery, she sat for some time near me. At the end, she tenderly leaned her head on my heart and sang in a low voice:
I forget you, dear mother,
No, no, never! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Going down the steps, she saw, on the right, under the medlar tree, the little white hen with all her chicks under her wings. Some only showed their small heads. She paused pensively to consider them. After a while, I waved to him that it was time to go home. Her eyes were full of tears. I tell him: “You are crying! So she put her hand in front of her eyes while crying more and answered me:
I can't tell you why right now; I'm too excited...
In the evening, in her cell, she said to me with a celestial expression:
I cried thinking that the good Lord took this comparison to make us believe in his tenderness. All my life, that's what he's done for me! He completely hid me under his wings!... Sometimes, when I left you, I was crying going up the stairs, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and I was in a hurry to get back to our cell; my heart overflowed with love and gratitude.
2
Today 10 years since Dad gave me this little white flower, when I first spoke to him about my vocation.
(She showed me the little flower)
3
If you hadn't raised me well, you would have seen sad things... I wouldn't have cried today when I saw the little white hen...
June 8
1
You'll all come with me soon, it won't be long, come on!
To Sr Marie de la Trinité who asked him to think of her in Heaven:
You have only seen the hull yet; you will soon see the little chicken.
2
I told him that I had no support on earth.
But if you have support, it's me!
[3 See Words Found
We had spoken of the long illnesses which often tire the nurses, which is a great suffering for the patients who notice it.
I don't mind staying like that until the end of a very long life; if it pleases the good Lord, I even want to be "disliked."]
June 9
1
It is said in the Gospel that the good Lord will come as a thief. He will come and rob me very nicely. Oh ! How I would like to help the Thief!
2
How happy I am today!
- So your test is over?
No, but it's like something suspended. The ugly snakes no longer hiss in my ears...
3
With what peace I let those around me say that I am better! Last week, I was up and people thought I was very ill. This week, I can no longer support myself, I am exhausted and now they judge me saved! But what does it do!
- So you hope to die soon all the same?
Yes, I hope to leave soon; I am certainly not better; I have a lot of pain in my side. But, I will always say it, if the good Lord cures me, I will have no disappointment.
To Sr. Marie of the Sacred Heart who said to her: “What sorrow we will have when you leave us! »
Oh ! no, you will see, it will be like a shower of roses.
4
I am not afraid of the Thief... I see him from afar, and I am careful not to shout: Thief! On the contrary, I call him saying: This way! this way !
5
I'm like a little child, on the railway track, waiting for his mom and dad to put him on the train. Alas! they don't come, and the train leaves! But there are others, I won't miss them all...
June 10
1
She was better and that surprised her; she had to react so as not to be saddened by it.
... The Blessed Virgin does my errands well, I'll give them to her another time!
I often repeat to him:
“Tell him never to get in the way with me.”
He heard, and he did. I no longer understand my illness. Now I'm better! But I surrender and I'm happy all the same. What would become of me if I cherished the hope of dying soon! What disappointments! But I don't have any, because I'm happy with everything the good Lord does, I only want his will.
June 11
1
She had thrown flowers at St Joseph in the garden (at the end of the avenue of chestnut trees) saying in a childish and gracious tone:
"Take!"
Why are you throwing flowers at St Joseph? Is it to obtain some grace?
Ah! But no ! It's to make him happy. I don't want to give to receive.
2
To write my “little” life, I do not break my head; it is as if I were fishing with a line; I write what comes at the end.
June 12
1
They don't think I'm as sick as I am. It is more painful then to be deprived of communion, of the Office. But, so much the better that no one is tormented anymore. I suffered a lot from it and I had asked the Blessed Virgin to arrange things so that we would have no more pain. She answered me.
For me, what does it matter to me that people think and say anything. I don't see why I would bother.
2
Tomorrow, I will not make Communion! And so many little girls will receive the good Lord!
(It was the First Communion at St Jacques.)
June 13
1
(In the garden)
I feel like a piece of cloth stretched over the loom to be embroidered; and then no one comes to embroider it! I wait, I wait! It's useless!... Finally, it's not surprising, little children don't know what they want!
I say this because I'm thinking of little Jesus, he's the one who gave me the job of suffering to have the pleasure of embroidering myself and then relaxing to go and show his beautiful work up there.
When I speak of the Thief, I don't mean little Jesus, I mean the "great" good God.
June 14
Last day of the novena. She was much better, a new subject of disappointment for her who nevertheless told me with a smile:
I am a cured little girl!
Are you sad about it?
Oh ! no... from moment to moment, we can bear a lot.
June 15
1
On the 9th, I saw very clearly from afar the lighthouse which announced to me the port of Heaven; but now I can't see anything, I'm like blindfolded. That day I saw the Thief, now I don't see him at all. What people tell me about death can no longer penetrate, it slips like on a slab. It's finish ! the hope of death is worn out. God probably doesn't want me to think about it like before I got sick. At that time, this thought was necessary and very beneficial to me, I felt it. But today it is the opposite. The good Lord wants me to abandon myself like a tiny child who doesn't worry about what will be done with him.
2
Are you tired of your prolonged state? You must be in pain!
Yes, but that "pleases" me.
Why?
Because it “pleases” God.
(She used this word and several others that did not go with her usual simple way of expressing herself, when she wanted to cover her thought with a form distracting for us.
She had also adopted certain naive expressions which she used in private and which, in her mouth, had a lot of charms.)
3
I don't know when I will die; I no longer have any confidence in the disease. Even if I were administered, I would still believe that I could come back. I won't be really sure of my shot until I've taken the plunge and see myself in the arms of God.
4
(The evening)
How I would like to say something nice to you!
Just tell me if you will forget me when you are in Heaven.
Ah! if I forgot you, it seems to me that all the saints would drive me out of Paradise like an ugly owl. My little Mother, when I am up there, “I will come and take you with me, so that where I am, you will be too”.
5
I'm happy, I don't offend God at all during my illness. Sometimes I wrote about charity (in the notebook of his Life) and very often people came to disturb me; so I tried not to get impatient, to put into practice what I wrote.
[See Words Found
June 19
Our cousin, Mother Marguerite (Supre Gle in Paris of the Nuns Helpers of the IC nurses) had sent me a pretty basket filled with artificial lilies, for the 21st, feast of Mother Marie de Gonzague. I brought this basket to her, saying very joyfully: “It is the Superior General of the Auxiliatrices who has sent this to me! »
She answered me suddenly with enthusiasm and affection:
Hey! well, you are the Superior General of my heart.]
June 20
I showed her the little photographs of the Virgin-Mother that I had painted for the feast of Our Mother. She put her hands on the miniatures spread out in front of her eyes, and, spreading her fingers, made sure to touch all the little heads of the Child Jesus. So she said to me:
I hold them all under my dominion.
June 22
She was in the garden, in the car. When I came to her in the afternoon she said to me:
How well I understand the words of Our Lord to NM Ste Thérèse: “Do you know, my daughter, those who truly love me? They are the ones who recognize that everything that does not relate to me is a lie.
O my little Mother, how true I feel! Yes, everything apart from the good Lord, everything is vanity.
June 23
I said to him: Alas! I will have nothing to give to the good Lord, when I die, my hands are empty! This saddens me very much.
Well ! you are like a "baby" (she called herself this name sometimes) who nevertheless finds herself in the same conditions... Even if I had accomplished all the works of Saint Paul, I would still believe myself to be a "useless servant" but that's precisely what makes me happy, because having nothing, I will receive everything from the good God.
June 25
1
Feast of the Sacred Heart.
They had installed her in the library, because of the sun which shone into her cell. During the sermon, she had taken a book of the Propagation of the Faith. She then showed me a passage where it is spoken of the apparition of a beautiful Lady, dressed in white, to a baptized child, and she said to me:
Later, I will go like that around the little baptized children...
2
During the sermon, I skipped school, I felt like it was a party. Every day, I wouldn't allow myself that. I consider my notebook (his life) as my little duty.
June 26
Yesterday, great evil aside! then... finished this morning! Ah! when will I go away with the good Lord! How I would like to go to Heaven!
June 27
When I will be in Heaven, I will say so many beautiful things about my little Mother to all the saints, that they will have a great desire to take her. I will always be with my little Mother; I'll ask the saints to come with me to the ugly cellars to protect her, and if they don't want to, well, I'll go alone.
It relates to a little adventure that happened to me that day in the basement of the sacristy.
June 29
1
... This is what happened: As I was about to die, the little angels made all kinds of beautiful preparations to receive me; but they got tired and fell asleep. Alas! little children sleep a long time! we don't know when they will wake up...
(She often told us little stories like this to distract us from her suffering of soul and body.)
2
How unhappy I will be in Heaven if I cannot give little pleasures on earth to those I love!
3
In the evening she felt more of her ordeal and certain thoughts had pained her. She tells me :
My soul is exiled, Heaven is closed for me and on the side of the earth, it is also the test.
... I can see that no one thinks I'm sick, but it's the good Lord who allows this.
4
I will be happy in Heaven if you compose pretty verses for me; it seems to me that this must please the saints.
June 30
1
I told him about certain saints who led an extraordinary life, like Saint Simeon Stylites. She tells me :
Me, I prefer saints who are not afraid of anything, like Saint Cecilia who allows herself to be married and who is not afraid...
2
My uncle had asked for her in the visiting room with us and, as usual, she had hardly said anything.
How intimidated I was in the parlor with my uncle! Coming back, I scolded a novice a lot, I didn't recognize myself. What contrasts there are in my character! My shyness comes from an extreme embarrassment that I experience when someone takes care of me.
