Autobiographical notes of Sister Marie des Anges, Mistress of the Novices of Thérèse,
written by herself at the request of Mother Agnes of Jesus at the end of her life
+ JMJ
My beloved Mother, here are the graces that I received from the Good God and of which He warned me from the womb of my Mother who, worried about the future of her little children, offered me to the Good God if I I was a girl to be a nun one day, an offering the acceptance of which made her say when I entered Carmel: "I didn't think the Good Lord would take me at my word".
God marked me from my birth with his divine seal, the doctor, furious at not seeing the much desired little boy, greeted me with an insult.
I can say that from my early childhood, God lowered his eyes to me and looked with love at the littleness of his servant. These words sum up my whole life, I was already the smallest, the least endowed with these natural gifts, these charms with which the good Lord had so largely filled my brothers and sisters and this feeling of my inferiority was therefore created in me for all my life
I had a very quick temper and in my tantrums (I was so small that I can barely remember them) I clung to the railing of the stairs so that no one could take me. snatch and there I was screaming as loud as I could. One day, my Father, tired of my shouting, was so good at correcting me that I never started again. A few days later, good friends who, to amuse us, gave magic lantern projections announced in one of their sessions: "Mimi bellowing" And we saw appear on the canvas a little girl opening her mouth as big as an oven, shouting loudly.
The Good Lord undertook to change me, to correct my character through many sorrows which forced me to turn to Him. Pious following the example of my sisters, the thought of my First Communion occupied me a lot, theirs had been such a great joy for them that I thought I should be as happy as they were on that day that I was told to be the best in life. So I made many sacrifices and prepared myself as best I could, but our teacher having left us, I remained, so to speak, on my own, because our priest, holy priest as he was, intimidated me a great deal and believed no doubt that they took care of me, gave me no direction to prepare myself well for this great act. A good monk to whom my Mother took me from time to time filled in, it is true, but he was far away and could not follow me.
The big day arrived, without joys, without lights, nothing came to illuminate my little intelligence, rejoice my soul, open up my heart... A deep sadness seized me, I thought I had done my First Communion badly, and broken with fatigue, devoured pain, I lay down in desolation and watered my bed with my tears. This beautiful day, the most beautiful for all the children would therefore only have a bitter memory for me that would always remain with me. It was a terrible thought.
A thousand worries overwhelmed my soul, coming back to my confessions and, as if the hand of God had struck me, I entered a phase of inner sorrows, of scruples impossible to describe and which made my adolescence, from 12 to 19 years an incessant martyrdom.
One day, I thought I was damned...I dared not tell my anguish to our priest, I went to bed in despair, did not sleep the night that saw only my sobs, repeating to myself constantly: I am damned . I gathered all the energy I had to hide my suffering, I stayed like that for about four days, I was then able to entrust my pain to the good monk I have already mentioned, who very quickly gave me peace. I came back to life, but the enemy of all good came back to the charge with a thousand other sorrows and which were increased by several others which broke my heart.
It was the work of God which prevented me, through these trials, from enjoying the sweetest, most legitimate joys, because if everything had been roses for me, the world would have had a seductive charm for me; could I have resisted it??... The fear of God, the thought of eternity were there like a plank of salvation to save me, forcing me, so to speak, to practice virtue.
Around the age of 19, I had the inspiration - when I was at my wit's end - to throw myself blindly into the arms of the Blessed Virgin, abandoning my sorrows to her and relying on her tenderness for everything. I left, faithful to my promise, stopping at nothing.
A few days later, a holy Missionary came to give a Mission to the parish, of which I knew nothing during my act of abandonment to the Blessed Virgin. He was my Angel, my good Samaritan who poured the oil and the wine of confidence and peace on my soul, hitherto so unhappy for so many years and who, from then on, escaped from the net of the fowler, took its rise towards the good God
Three years later, guided by his wise counsel, I was to enter Carmel.
I had many struggles to sustain to tear myself away from my beloved family and what graces of strength God granted me then. In charming meetings, I sometimes slipped away to go and ask him to be faithful to him and to sustain my courage.
It was beyond my strength to announce my vocation to my parents, there again, I appealed to the Blessed Virgin, telling her, "if you want me to leave them, I don't have the courage to say the smallest word and to take the smallest step, take me by the shoulders, lead me to Carmel. I was then fully answered, one of my sisters, a true Angel for me, did everything with my parents, divine Providence got involved, the Carmelites of Lisieux passing through Caen to go to Coutances for a foundation, an appointment was given there to my Mother who went with me to the parlor of Ste Paix, Convent of the Rev. Fathers Récollets and the whole I was allowed to come for a retreat, which happened.
In the month of November I entered Carmel forever [in reality, Sr Marie des Anges entered Carmel on October 26, 1866]. Again, I had neither said nor done anything. Marie had done it for me. She gave me supernatural strength to leave my father's house, especially when I had to get into the car. My brother was there, I kissed him and at that same moment a large nebulous cross appeared to me, not to the eyes of the body, but to those of the soul, it came from the East and covered one side of the property, it extended and stopped above the grove adjoining the outbuildings. At the time, I did not stop there, but a few days later, I realized that I had left the Cross on my dear family. Since then, this Cross has remained engraved in my soul and how much has its memory sustained me in the great trials which since my departure from my father's house have come to break my heart, leaving me nevertheless happy in my religious life whose happiness has always seemed to me preferable to all the joys of the earth. It seems to me that it is this same Cross which will rise from the East when Our Lord appears there to judge the world on the last day. Later, on the feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross, the good Lord asked me to climb a very painful Calvary, but remembering my Cross, I found in its memory the courage I needed.
Led to Carmel by my eldest Sister, second Mother for me, I was welcomed to Carmel with extreme kindness by the Community and especially by the Mother Prioress who was for me of an exquisite tenderness, but not suspicious of my heart that I I had kept to God with such great vigilance and at the cost of a thousand sacrifices, I attached myself to her too humanly and my God! of what infidelities, ingratitudes have I not been guilty both towards NS who had loved me so much and towards the Blessed Virgin who had enveloped me in so much love, but in her infinite Mercy, God made me pay for my faults harshly by revealing my misery to me, arousing my passions that I did not know.
My Novitiate companion, whom I also saw very loved by Our Mother, became a subject of terrible jealousy to me, which tormented my heart! One day I saw him with her, I can't give back what I suffered! it would be impossible for me to write, but at the same moment an inner voice said to me: "I give you back what you made me suffer." I don't know how, at these words, I didn't fall to the ground, God knocking me down like St Paul on the road to Damascus! What love was that from him! I cannot think of it and will always remember it only with unspeakable gratitude.
This natural affection did extreme harm to my soul, it was to it what the hailstorms, the showers that strewn the ground with their flowers are to the flowering trees of spring!... It took me years to recover from my innumerable infidelities that left long and painful traces on my soul that I compare to those left by terrible illnesses that often have serious consequences for a lifetime.
I took the Holy Habit without joy, but this first step taken, I would not have liked to take any backwards, I resolved to advance courageously, wanting to be a good nun and I determined myself to all sacrifices.
Until my Profession, the good Lord tested me, but our Venerable Mother (the Novice Mistress) supported and encouraged me. My retirement was spent in suffering. The hour came to pronounce my Holy Vows, when I had put my hands in those of Our Mother, impossible to say a word. It was as if an iron hand was pulling on my jaw to prevent me from speaking. I needed incredible strength to pull myself to my side and thus succeed in pronouncing my Vows: God alone saw what was going on in me. Finally, when I prostrated myself, peace came to my soul. It was the feast day of the Annunciation. The Blessed Sacrament was exposed. When I was at the Choir, I felt a great peace and I was happy and I was above all happy to finally be able to be entirely in the good Lord.
In the evening, kneeling at the altar of the Blessed Virgin, in the Choir, I felt a certain alarm because something told me that I had a long way to go and I trembled at the prospect of new struggles. But an intimate feeling reassured me. Our Lord said to me from the bottom of my heart: "You are no longer alone, I am your Spouse and you will lean on my arm."
Thinking recently of the good that these words of NS did me, they reminded me of a fact from my early childhood which I see today was like the omen of my vocation and my Profession; what until now, I had never grasped. Bishop Robin, who had come to dinner with my parents, having left the living room for a few moments, was coming back there when, seeing me, I was then 9 years old, he said to me: My little child, give me your arm and let's go in together. “Very intimidated, I put my hand on his arm that mine could not have reached as he was so tall and I so small; and we thus made our solemn entrance to the hilarity of all and to the smile of Mgr himself who, then founder for a few years of the Carmel of Lisieux, was far from suspecting that the child for whom he showed himself so paternal would one day Carmelite in the Monastery which he surrounded with such touching devotion.
Some time after my Profession my Taking of the Veil took place and this celebration was the first of my life which was cloudless for me. I had the heart, the soul in the joy, I felt that my tests had been a grace. I would have willingly said to God these words of Job: "Who will do me this service that the Lord, having begun to destroy me, finishes putting me to dust." These words seized me and remain with me still.
I had, despite my sad beginning, a certain time of consolation; joy flooded my soul. The good Lord, no doubt, prepared me in this way for the great sorrows of the death of my Venerable Father and of a dear sister who had been my guiding Angel when I entered Carmel.
At one time, I had the soul, the spirit, tortured by sorrows and anxieties that I could not tell anyone. I was at the feet of the little Jesus of Beaune when I remembered a comparison that our Holy Chaplain had made to us shortly before in a very beautiful sermon on Purgatory: "The soul in this prison of fire, told us he, unable to get out of it, is like the little bird which, shut up in its cage, can only struggle against the bars which enclose it there, but with this difference that the suffering soul is retained there by the Love which is for her an infinite joy.”
At the memory of these words, I too accepted my suffering out of love and immediately I passed from extreme anguish to inexpressible joy, I was completely changed, I was overflowing with peace and happiness, I would have gladly accepted all the possible pain...
Another time, during my first triennium as Sub-Prioress, I had many difficulties and sorrows, I then thought of the Passion of Our Lady and I found further consolation in the thought that my sorrows were the thorns with which he crowned me. , the purple robe, the scarlet mantle with which He enveloped me, the nails with which He crucified me with Himself and that thus, I could present myself before God as another Son even to save sinners! I was well consoled by this consoling thought, I told it to Mother Geneviève who said to me "O my little girl, thank the good God for the grace he gives you to love suffering because it is not given to everyone. .'"
Later, in the last days of Mother Geneviève's illness, this Venerable Mother, no doubt following an inspiration from God, made me sit down one day near her bed and told me what had happened to her at the death of Mother Elisabeth when the Community wanted to put her Prioress. Father Sauvage received a letter from Poitiers telling him: "Do not put Geneviève Prioress because she has no capacity." A letter which completely changed Father Sauvage in her regard and withdrew his confidence in her, which this poor Mother could not explain: "Hear you, little one, she said to me, Geneviève is capable of nothing". Doesn't that penetrate you?..." Oh! Yes, my Mother, I answered her, and indeed, they had penetrated me, feeling how much they suited me and what she wanted to say to me in me. reporting them.
And, indeed, these inspired words have remained engraved in my soul and their memory has often softened the humiliation in painful circumstances that the good Lord sowed on my path, and especially on the evening of my last days.
Finally, I can say that at this hour as at his dawn, the Good Lord looked at the baseness of his servant; for 3 years, especially since I have been living in darkness, in solitude, I see more and more every day that I have never been anything but a poor nothing, that I still am, but because, every day, each suffering removes all support from myself, from my past works, I hope for everything from the merits and mercy of our sweet Jesus. »
