Autobiography of Sister Marie of the Trinity

Marie Louise Castel 1875-1944

Towards the end of 1894, no doubt after taking the habit (December 18), Sister Marie de la Trinité said to Thérèse: "The story of my vocation is so interesting that I am going to write it down so as not to forget it. ; by re-reading it later, it will be able to do me good. »
"Beware of doing such a thing," replies the Saint; besides, you cannot do it without permission, and I advise you not to ask for it. For me, I wouldn't want to write anything about my life without a special order, and on an order that I wouldn't have asked for. It's more humble not to write anything about yourself. The great graces of life, like those of a vocation, cannot be forgotten; they will do you more good by going over them in your memory than by rereading them on paper. »   
In March 1904, Mother Agnes of Jesus, prioress at the time, came to untie the pen of Thérèse's former novice. Marie de la Trinité then wrote an autobiographical account of 22 pages, which she entitled: résumé.

Summary

I was born on August 12, 1874 in St Pierre s/ Dives (Calvados) where my father was a teacher [Victor Castel (15-7-1834 in Ifs, dcd on 30-10-1912 in Rouen) was a state teacher. With unfailing faith, he did not fail to preside in class every morning over the prayer of his young students. He ruined his career, not being able to accept the secularization of the school, thus partially depriving himself of the benefits of his retirement. His righteousness and his goodness were more than once victims of human malignity, without ever being shaken his charity and his zeal for every good work. His wife's piety corresponded fully to his own and these very Christian parents knew how to generously make the part of the good God in their beautiful posterity. (Circular obituary of Sister Marie de la Trinité, p. 1.) nineteen children in twenty-six years... Nine died in infancy.]
I was baptized the next day. I was the 13th in the family

[Here is the list of other children:
1. Raphael (1-7 1857 - 15 9 1857);
2. Raphaël (18 8 1858 - 24 11 1882), Premonstratensian at Mondaye, then sent to the barracks by the Ferry law (1880), he died shortly afterwards;
3. Thais (22 7 1860 - 28 12 1860);
4. Gabrielle (2 2 1862 - 20 3 1938), nun at Providence in Lisieux,
5. Elisabeth (7 April 1836 - 20 9 1863);
6. Elisabeth (2 12 1864 - 16 10 1865);
7. Michaëlle (24 2 1866 - 27 5 1927), goalkeeper at Les Buissonnets,
8. François (11 8 1857 - 30 6 1941), Brother of the Christian Schools, then secular priest and chaplain of the Pilgrimage;
9. Etienne (6 6 1869 - 12 8 1869);
10. Joseph (29 10 1870 - 10 11 1870);
11. Jean Marie (13 1 1872 - 7 2 1872);
12. Anna (7 6 1873; died 1925), married, had one daughter;
13. Marie Louise, our sister Marie de la Trinité (12 8 1874 - 16 1 1944);
14. Adonai (25 12 1875 - 22 5 1876),
15. Joachim (11 4 1877 - ?), married, had a daughter, nun,
16. Marie-Séraphine (16 6 1878 - 21 2 1880);
17. Violette (19 10 1879 - 14 12 1961), was guardian of Les Buissonnets for a few years;
18. Emmanuel (9 5 1881 - 1932);
19. Marguerite Marie (27 6 1883 - 27 11 1964), visitor to Caen] .

I was put to bed temporarily in my sisters' doll's cradle, because two days later, my grandmother took me as a nurse to my aunt, my mother's sister, in St-Martin de la Lieue. I didn't come home until I was 4 years old.
I remember having always wanted to become a nun, so I did not feel a special call on the day of my 1st Communion which I made at 10 1/2 years old, in Paris, in the parish of St Lambert de Vaugirard, on May 21, 1885 That same day, Sr Thérèse of the Child Jesus made the solemn Renewal of hers at the Abbey of Lisieux.
Around the age of 12, I saw in the “Girl's Book of Piety” a [2] prayer to ask God for her vocation. It was a revelation for me and I undertook to make this prayer for nine days in order to know the religious order in which the good Lord was calling me. I was fully answered at the end of this novena. It was a Saturday evening at 5:1 to 4/3 (hour of the Salve au Carmel). I was at home, in the room that Papa had transformed into an oratory dedicated to the Holy Face: a lamp burned day and night in front of the Holy Image. I was doing my exam, because I had to go to confession to take communion the next day. Exciting myself to contrition, I looked at the Holy Face, then I understood the love with which Jesus had loved me, my heart was inflamed with an intense desire to love him in my turn until I died of it and thinking of the religious souls who have the happiness of [XNUMX] sacrificing themselves for Him, I sighed aloud, as if unbeknownst to me: “Ah! how happy they must be, the Carmelites! An immense joy came over me...the Good Lord had just discovered my vocation to me and I would have liked to respond immediately to his call. Alas! I was only twelve years old!
An incredible ardor had awakened in me and made my forced wait a real martyrdom. I give up detailing it... it attacked my health and I thought I would die of it.
Nevertheless, around 14 years old, I understood why, in his mercy, the good God allowed this exaggerated desire, he had to counterbalance the immense need, which I felt then, to love and to be loved by creatures, he saved from the danger into which I would certainly have sunk [Ignorant indeed of the danger, Marie Louise, in spite of her aspirations towards the cloister led, in the Capital, a very free existence. Often, unbeknownst to her parents, she ran to shops, attractions and fairs... How much she entertained us sometimes, by telling us about her escapades: for example, the innocent zeal which made her aim, out of devotion, at the massacre game, the silhouettes of priests or nuns! Did she not tell us that, on the day of her entry into our Monastery, passing by the square where the fair was then held, she had made this request to her father: "O papa, before entering Carmel, let take me one last round of wooden horses! (Circular, p. 3.)].
My dear little sister Thérèse of the Child Jesus understood this well when she wrote me these verses:
[4] When in my young heart this flame lit
Which is called love... you came to claim it.
And you alone, O Jesus, could content my soul;
Because, until infinity, I needed to love!
Like a little lamb far from the fold,
Cheerfully I frolicked, ignoring the danger;
But, 0 Queen of Heaven, my dear Shepherdess,
Your invisible hand knew how to protect me!
So, while playing on the edge of the precipices,
Already you showed me the summit of Carmel;
I then understood the austere delights
That I would have to love to fly away to Heaven.
At that time a very mysterious fact happened: The glass of the lamp which burned day and night in front of the Holy Face was broken. I immediately offered my drinking glass, to which I was very attached, to replace it. One morning, on entering the oratory of the Holy Face, Papa saw that the glass had turned completely black. He cleaned it and managed to restore its clarity. [5] But, O prodigy! there remained a neatly drawn brown triangle embedded in the glass: it was impossible to make it disappear. Under the influence of a supernatural emotion, Papa came to wake us up by announcing the marvel to us; he thought that the good Lord had wanted to reward him for the love with which he maintained this lamp, because despite its heavy loads, he only wanted to burn first quality olive oil in it. Me, I exclaimed: “It is for me that the Holy Face has done this prodigy, since it is my glass! This mystery was only to be revealed to us later, as I will relate in due time.

I often caressed the intimate and very strong desire to know and have as a friend a saint who would one day be canonized and I asked the good Lord for the grace of it. This desire pursued me until I met Sr Thérèse of the Child Jesus, [6] then I understood that I was heard beyond anything I could have wished for.
There is a memory that has remained very sweet to me during the long period of my waiting. At the Ste Geneviève pension in Asnières, the chaplain, Abbé Charles, had allowed me to make a vow of temporary virginity, as well as to one of my companions who also wanted to become a Carmelite. On the day of the children's 1st Communion (May 1890), during the midday recreation, my friend and I, deceiving the surveillance, we ran to the Chapel; it was beautifully decorated, only the small lamp shone; in the sanctuary the great book of the Holy Gospels was opened for the renewal of the promises of Baptism; everything seemed to us to have a mysterious stamp, Jesus himself seemed to be waiting for us to receive the offering of our hearts. We were alone. So, each in turn, with our hands on the Gospel, we [7] swore to belong only to Jesus alone, and to consecrate ourselves to his service until death, then we went to kiss the middle of the altar [Father Charles tells a story very similar to this one, in his veil-taking sermon, May 7, 1896; text conserved in the archives of the Carmel.]. After this solemn act we returned to recreation.
Confirmation was to be given by Bishop Gay; I rejoiced to see him because I knew him to be Superior of several Carmels, but I felt impelled to promise the good Lord to make the sacrifice of not looking at him at all in order to obtain permission to go to Carmel in the month of following August. I kept my promise and now, at my next confession, Father Charles told me that he had spoken about me to the Mother Prioress of Carmel on the Avenue de Messine in Paris and that she would receive me in the month of August to do an 8-day retreat, outside, that in the meantime I write to him to explain the reasons for my vocation. It was too much happiness! I didn't know how to thank God for it. However, I was a little embarrassed to write this letter... fortunately I remembered having read in the notebook of my friend (she was 3 years older than me) 12 reasons why she wanted to enter Carmel: "Since she has the same vocation, I must think like her, I said to myself, and out of these 12 reasons the Mother Prioress will perhaps find a valid one to accept me. I began my letter thus: “You ask me, my Rev. Mother, the reasons that make me want Carmel. To tell the truth, I only know one thing: the good Lord calls me and I come. He suffered until he died out of love for me, I too want to suffer out of love for Him. But here are 12 reasons why I want to leave the world. » And I set about copying them into my friend's notebook. One of these reasons was: the instability of the human heart!
During the following Pentecost holidays, I went for the first time to pay a visit to the Mother Prioress of the Avenue de Messine. She opened the gate for me, and seeing her I believed in the appearance of an Angel, it seemed to me to be far from the earth. She spoke to me of my letter telling me that it was only the beginning which had given her the assurance of my vocation, that all the reasons which followed had not touched her: "My poor child at your age, what can you know of the instability of the human heart? and all the other reasons that follow!...” I blushed a little and didn't reveal my secret... Deep down I was glad that it wasn't someone else's thoughts that made me accept...
 [8] In August, after the distribution of the prizes—I was soon to be 16—I went to Carmel to do my Retreat, at the end of which I intended to enter forever. Alas! the Rde Mère Prioress judged it prudent to delay my entry for 8 months, so that I might strengthen myself further. God alone could know what I suffered from this adjournment, I won't try to express it.
It was during this retreat that I saw Father Blino SJ extraordinary confessor of the Carmel, he spoke to me with praise of Sr Thérèse of the Child Jesus, of the Carmel of Lisieux, where he had just preached a retreat [It would seem that Fr. Blino preached at the Carmel of Lisieux in October 1888; see General Correspondence, I, 398. But he was able to visit the community again in the spring of 1890; see ibid. 534.] and he told me how she had gone all the way to the Holy Father to obtain entry into Carmel at the age of 15. I told him that I felt the courage to walk to Rome if necessary to obtain the same favour.
Finally, on April 30, 1891, I crossed the gate and I received [9] the name of Sr. Agnès of Jesus. I liked everything about this monastery. I was at the height of my wishes. Nevertheless I entered with an illusion, but it fell quickly. I believed that I would have felt the ardor of my love for the good God, as I had experienced that of the creature, and that then I would have no greater delight than that of suffering for Him. And here, on the contrary, I was plunged into the night of faith [Expression to be understood in the broad sense of aridity, as the text conveys it shortly after], the least penances cost me extremely, which made me understand that it was was by the energy of my will and not by the feeling that I had to love Jesus and I resolved not to do less for Him, in the aridity, than I had done for the creature.

Love was my path, and while receiving encouragement, I did not find much resonance around me. Our Mistress lavished a lot of affection on me, however I felt that I lacked [10] a help to advance in my path and I even told her one day that I would make a lot of progress in love if I was excited by a companion, a little older than me, having the same attractions and who would be like my Mistress at the same time as a friend. So the good God, so good! made me clearly desire what he wanted to give me one day!...
 A year after my entry, on May 12, 1892, I had the happiness of putting on the Holy Habit. Until then, my health had been very good, I felt in my element and I hoped to arrive at the Profession without difficulty. But now, during my retreat for the Taking of the Habit, began these great sorrows of souls which lasted until my leaving Carmel. I could not help believing that I would not stay in this monastery. [11] My imagination always represented to me my departure, my exile in the world and my return to another Carmel; I suffered a lot because I was strongly attached to this monastery. Our Mistress, for whom I had nothing hidden, tried to console me by assuring me that nothing similar would happen.
This strange struggle made me fall ill and the weakness became such that it inspired anxiety. The doctor consulted replied: "If you want to see her die, you have only to keep her!" » To make sure of the will of the good God, the Mother Prioress had us begin a fervent novena to the Holy Face, since it was before her Image that I had had my vocation. During this novena my Father came to ask me in the visiting room. Our Reverend Mother went there first to inform him of the situation. [12] Dad couldn't think of anything simpler than offering to take me to Trouville, where he was going to meet my family on holiday. The Mother Prioress saw in this proposal the answer of the good Lord and returned, very sadly, to tell me about it, promising to take me back as soon as I recovered. What I suffered then cannot be translated, in losing Carmel everything sank for me, it was the agonizing night, I was devastated... It was on July 8, 1893 that I crossed the gate after having spent 2 years and 2 months in this fervent Carmel.
Ah! How painful was my 11 month exile in the world! I lived there as a foreigner, my heart remained in Carmel, its deprivation was a painful martyrdom to me.
Fifteen days later, July 22, I came to the Carmel of Lisieux to [13] seek a little comfort from the Mother Prioress. The Reverend Mother Agnes of Jesus came to the parlor, accompanied by Mother Marie de Gonzague, they already knew me through the Carmel of the Avenue de Messine, with which they were in intimate contact. From this interview I had a very great sympathy for this Carmel, I even felt in the bottom of my heart that it was perhaps the one that the good Lord intended for me, but I rejected this impression, because I intended to return to the Carmel of Paris. Trouville not being far from Lisieux, I returned there several times during my three months of stay, and at each visit, as soon as I entered the courtyard, the same sweet impression was imposed, as if Jesus had told me "I want you here!" »
Back in Paris, I learned at Carmel that the Superior was opposed to my returning [14] before I was 21, to give my health time to improve. This unexpected news terrified me! Full of compassion, Mother Prioress suggested that I request admission to the Carmel of Lisieux because, she thought, the air of my birth would be favorable to me. The thought of staying less long in the world made me accept.
My steps were successful, but I had great difficulty in overcoming, on the side of the Superior, M. Delatroëtte, the same who had made so many oppositions to the entry of Sr Thérèse of the Child Jesus. One day, more discouraged than ever, I saw in the calendar that June 16 was the feast of Our Lady of Perpetual Help [Since childhood, Marie de la Trinité liked to invoke the Virgin under this name; see poetry PN 49, March 1897. In 1894, the feast, according to the calendar of the Redemptorist Fathers, was celebrated on Sunday, June 17.]. I revived my confidence and begged the Blessed Virgin to work the miracle of my entry into Carmel that day. I was fully answered, and on June 16, 1894 I entered this blessed Carmel where the good Lord had marked my place forever.
 [15] I received the name of Sr Marie Agnès de la Sainte Face and my angel was Sr Thérèse of the Child Jesus. Our Mother gave me complete freedom to have recourse to her in all my difficulties, assuring me that it would be good for my soul to make extensive use of her. I was not long in appreciating the treasure which was given to me and in recognizing in it the friendly companion that I had dreamed of for a long time. For her part, Sr Thérèse of the Child Jesus told me how she herself had desired me: at the time when a law was to be imposed to expel from the convents all subjects who were not 21 years old, she had promised herself to ask to live with it until we reach that age. By calculating the date of his desire, we found that it corresponded exactly to the day when my health failed in my first Carmel. [16] She was then so moved by the condescension of God, who fulfilled all her desires, that she could not hold back her tears. [A similar account was sent to the Carmel of Angers, on August 12, 8; see Poems Notes volume, at PN 1908, str. 11]
Ah! what a grace to have had this Angel to help me reach the blessed term of Profession! So many ordeals still to go through until then... Coming from another Carmel, the community was not favorable to me and I really needed the affection of my dear little sister to encourage me.
Six months later, I put on the holy habit again without any external ceremony, on December 18, feast of the Expectation of the Blessed Virgin.
On the Feast of the Shroud 1896, two months before my Profession which, for reasons too long to report, was delayed for 4 months, my name of Sr Marie Agnès was changed to that of Sr Marie de la [17] Trinité and of the Holy Face, because the Priorat of Mother Agnès of Jesus had just ended, there was confusion with her name. [The change of name was decided on March 6, 1896, the Friday of Lent when the feast of the Holy Shroud was commemorated; it was ratified during Profession (April 30). Mother Agnes of Jesus left the office of prioress on March 21, 1896.]
Finally, my proposal to the Chapter for Profession arrived. I was overjoyed. However. that very day at Compline, I was assailed by violent temptations against my vocation, I persuaded myself that I had arrived at the desired goal by force of my own will, that the good Lord had manifested to me long ago through all the trials, told more high, that the life of Carmel was not made for me. In short, I resolved to return to the world... We were at the capitulum of Compline when, suddenly, I saw again in my mind the mysterious glass of old marked with the triangle, I understood, as in a flash, all its meaning; my doubts disappeared, giving way [18] to the most delicious divine consolations: it was indeed in this Carmel that the good Lord had marked my place, since he had inspired that I be called by the name that He Himself had designated for me so mysteriously on this glass.
I reported everything to Sr Thérèse of the Child Jesus, she was very moved and said to me: “This grace is of the kind of the prophetic vision that I had for Papa. This glass, which at first has become completely black, is the image of your soul: during the night of your long trials, one could not distinguish the designs of God on you, little by little everything cleared up, became limpid again and one perceived that the Holy Trinity had marked you forever with its divine seal. Your end will also resemble that of this same glass which broke, some time later, under the heat of a too strong flame. Of [19] even the ardent flame of love will shatter your mortal envelope. » [A more detailed version of the History of the Night Light was written by Sister Marie de la Trinité on March 31, 3. Thérèse's words are reported with variations. They will be found in note PN 1938. ]
My name still reminds me of a feature of my childhood: I was 8 years old, Dad was on a trip. He wrote to Mom to say a special family prayer for the success of his business. Mom asked us what prayer to add; no one answering, I said (making an effort on my own because I didn't like long prayers): “We should add a Gloria Patri to each invocation of the litanies of the Holy Face that we recite. Which was approved. So I think that the good Lord “who does not leave a glass of water without reward” had his Heart touched and wanted, in return, to unite the Holy Trinity and the Holy Face in my name.
Finally, the longed-for day of my Profession arrived, it was Thursday, April 30, 1896, five years to the day after my first entry into Carmel. [20] This day was more from heaven than from earth... Sr. Thérèse of the Child Jesus seemed as happy as me: "I feel like Joan of Arc assisting at the consecration of Charles VII! It was indeed to her that I owed this inestimable grace. It is on her again that I rely to live and die of love following her example. My vocation, for me too, is Love!

Sr Marie of the Trinity and the Holy Face rci
March 1904