the Carmel
Therese's correspondence LT 076 – To Sister Agnes of Jesus – January 7, 1889

DE  
MARTIN Thérèse, Sister Thérèse of the Child Jesus
À 
MARTIN Pauline, Mother Agnes of Jesus

07/01/1889

January 7, 1889 JMJT
Jesus

This morning I had trouble at my Sister St Vincent de Paul's, I went away with a very heavy heart...
What's so appealing to my soul? You cannot imagine how deprived I am of not being able to speak to you...
Do you understand something about Jesus' conduct?... I was telling you that children don't know what they want, Jesus acts like this with his little ball. He probably found the date of the 9th to be too lovely, he doesn't want anything lovely for her!... I know why, it's that he alone is lovely in all the FORCE of the term, and he wants to show to her little ball that she would be mistaken in looking elsewhere for a shadow of beauty that she would take for beauty itself!...
How good for me is the one who will soon be my betrothed, how divinely lovable he is in not wanting to allow me to attach myself to ANY created thing! He knows very well that if he gave me only a shadow of HAPPINESS, I would attach myself to it with all the energy, all the strength of my heart; this shadow he refuses me, he prefers to leave me in the dark than to give me a false light which would not be him!... Since I cannot find any creature that satisfies me, I want to give everything to Jesus, I don't want to give the creature just an atom of my love; may Jesus always give me to understand that he alone is perfect happiness even when he himself seems absent!...
Today more than yesterday, if that is possible, I have been deprived of all consolation; I thank Jesus who finds this good for my soul, and then, perhaps if he consoled me I would stop at these sweets, but he wants everything to be for him!... Well, everything will be for him, everything, even when I feel nothing to be able to offer him, so like tonight I will give him this nothing!...
If Jesus does not give me consolation, he gives me a peace so great that it does me more good!...
And the Father's letter?... I find it heavenly, my heart finds very beautiful things in it, but happiness?... Oh! no, not happiness... happiness, it is only in suffering and in suffering without any consolation!...
Little sister, my mother to me, what will you think of your little girl, oh! if it were not you I would not dare to send these thoughts, the most intimate of my soul!... I BEG YOU, tear up these papers after having read them!...
Pray that your little girl will not deny Jesus an atom of her heart.

Therese of the Child Jesus

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